


One Man Loved the Pilgrim Soul in You

by coffeeguru



Series: Do I Dare Disturb The Universe? [4]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-04-14 00:32:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4543335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeeguru/pseuds/coffeeguru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The knowledge that what you do is necessary doesn't ease the struggle between what is right and what is easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So. I blame [Eisen](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Eisen/pseuds/Eisen) for this (in the best way possible, of course). And I told [MaryDragon](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryDragon/pseuds/MaryDragon) my Warden might make an appearance.
> 
> This is slotting into "Do I Dare Disturb The Universe," though it's not running concurrently with "Where Legends Remains." It's more an occasional series of appearances by my Warden and her beleaguered monarch.

The weight of her burden sat in the pit of her stomach. She presented that cool exterior; ten years of living with Darkspawn blood running through your veins taught you to either deal with your impending insanity or turn into a gibbering madwoman. But inside, where no one could see, where even he couldn’t reach past her defenses and shields, she was afraid. Afraid of so much. She’d been a hero. Faced down an Archdemon. Loved a king. And all before she had seen her thirtieth year. 

So why did she feel like a child, afraid of the monsters under her bed, the shadows in the corners in the night where the light didn’t reach? She’d thought that death would be the reason behind her fear. But it wasn’t the absence of being. Her faith in the Maker and Andraste kept that terror at bay for the most part. No, it was dying that caused her breath to hitch, and not the pain of it, not hers. It was his. Knowing that he would be left behind, lost, broken by her disappearance to a place he could not follow had frozen her feet in place time and again, until she had to will herself to go forward, to find the next clue that would free them from the curse worse than time itself, the one that propelled their life’s expiration date forward. Twenty years, give or take. It seemed like an eternity to some, but she had seen ten go by in the blink of an eye and a rush of black demonic ichor. Twenty more would be an instant. Twenty more while loving him as she did would be less. 

And that’s why she had left. She sacrificed one or two for the possibility of...for the possibilities. To remove that timer from their lives; even if she were to die in an explosion the day after, to know that it was on their own terms would be satisfaction enough. They would be free from the constraints of a ritual they had been unwitting participants in. Not unwilling, when it came down to it; Duncan was persuasive, and there had been nothing left for her but to take up the mantle of the grey when it was presented to her. But to then find your mind and body bound to a counter and the enticing whispers of the evil that dwelled beneath...that was too much to bear without attempting to fight back.

He couldn’t join her on the journey. She had made that abundantly clear even as he tried valiantly to take up his pack and stay with her. Ten years they had been side by side, ten years of joy and pain, and of them both pretending the inevitable would pass them by. He was no longer that boy she had fallen in love with, but a man, though he still maintained that certain endearing wide-eyed joy in the simple things that made her heart skip when she caught him at something adorably innocent. 

"Leaving me alone to rule. This isn't acceptable, you know. I could make a law. I'm fairly sure I could, in any case." He was her valiant man, but she could see the pain already in his eyes. It was what dwelt behind the pain, and the love which eclipsed that, that steeled her resolve. There was an echo of the 'spawn there, a darkness only one similarly afflicted could sense, that stigma of death that clung to them both every day. It didn’t matter if they were entwined in each other's arms or poring over notes from one magistrate or another. It was always there, an invisible mantle of inevitable doom.

She just smiled at him, making sure that she had memorized every line, every little scar, from shaving or from war, it didn't matter which, because they were all a part of the other half of her heart. And she would hold them as she traveled, a mental locket that she would open as she huddled over a fire or shivered in a swamp more filled with corpses than the living. His face would give her strength, drive her ever forward to find the answers that she knew had to exist. Somewhere.

Her fingers brushed his face, stubble abrading her skin slightly as he leaned into her touch. "You will come back to me, Warden. Do you understand? I'll take no other argument from you." Tears were in his eyes, an overflow of his emotions that he shared freely, so freely with her. 

She opened her mouth to speak, but thought better of it. Words were inadequate, a filler for the feelings that they both knew were there. It was better to stay silent, let her lips brush over his with tenderness, pull away as he tried to bring her closer. And he understood what she meant to do, the hope that she pursued. He'd never stop her, never consider that he could, though if he had tried.... Maker, it was best that he didn't, so she didn't have to struggle with one more heart-wrenching decision.

No. This was right. It was good. And she would persevere, come back victorious, and never again have to see the Darkspawn haunting the man she loved with everything she had. Or she would fall, and be the one who left him-she would succeed. There was no other choice for her.

Satchel on her back, armor that had seen better days but which felt like a second skin despite its weight, she turned and headed out the door, pausing for just a moment with her hand on the lintel. She didn’t look back; she didn't dare. "I love you." With those three words, she was gone into the night, to find an answer to a mystery that only one had ever solved. She would be the second. She was the Warden. It was not in her to fail, even at this. Especially not at this.


	2. Chapter 2

_I miss you, my love._

_My love. Did I call you that often enough? Did I take every moment given to me, to us, and cry out my adoration for you? I'm sure I didn't, because I know that in a lifetime there would never be the necessary number of minutes to possibly say how much you are a part of me._

_It's cold here. It seems cold everywhere without you, day and night. You have been my constant since that day in Ostagar. And oh, what foolish children we were then, thinking that the world would stand back and let us fight for its existence, and thank us later. No, we received scorn and derision as we were betrayed, given no quarter and little hope for redemption._

_Yet, somehow, we persevered, and now you sit upon the throne, as uncomfortable as it makes you, and you tend to Ferelden with a skill I never doubted you had. Your unconventional ways are merely a boon that others may not fully understand. But time will show them what a wise ruler you are._

_I will give you that time. Others will see what I see in you, the greatness behind the boyish charm, the depth behind the straightforward demeanor. You are changing things for the better with each declaration, forming the land into a cohesive unit instead of disparate city-states bound only by a common language and a fondness for Mabari. You have seen the worst we have to offer one another, and are striving to bring the best to us all._

_You will live, and achieve these goals, even if it means I die to ensure it. My heart, if I leave you, which is not my plan, know that I will be waiting for you, arms open for your return to me. But you must go on. Not for me, but for yourself, and for the world that needs your strength and courage._

_The darkness closes in on me out here in the wilds. I'm not sure what country I'm in anymore. I was never one for following maps precisely, as you well know. We got into more than one scrape that way in our youth. And yet you followed me, the girl with nothing to speak of, no fortune or name of consequence, only will and a voice. And hope, I suppose. How did you have such faith in me? How do you still, years later, after seeing all we have? It’s yet another of your admirable traits that makes me pause and think about the blessing that you are in my life._

_This is another letter I will not send to you, cannot send, because you will hear only that I may die, and your previous restraint will snap. I know it almost killed you to let me go in the first place, and the fact that you did humbled me, for the trust you've granted a woman of no particular status who was thrust into your life all those years ago. Every time I think I can't love you more, I find my heart makes more room for the emotion, that magical organ always expanding so that I have infinite capacity for you in me._

_Please, my love, do not falter while I am away. Even if I stumble, the Maker and His Bride remain with me, though I may not always remember that, though it may not always seem that way. But I believe it, for you have been given to me, a gift beyond measure I can never hope to fully appreciate. That is my prayer for you, to persevere alone, to remember that I am with you though you may not see me, and that my heart is yours beyond all others._

_I will succeed. I will return to you. I will always love you._

_-T_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feeling in need of updating some of my work. I've sat on things far too long.


	3. Uneasy Lies The Head that Wears a Crown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kingship is a burden and love endures amidst the hardship of separation.

He stretched, the joints in his back popping and muscles protesting the movement. Being sedentary was not his choice. No, he had wanted to see the world, travel its length and breadth in service to people. Preferably with some merrymaking thrown in for good measure, because who didn't want to make merry while doing good deeds? Well, maybe Sten, but who knew what Qunari thought 'merry' was? It was probably forbidden under the Qun, anyway.  _ I wonder if he could make a rule about that, since he's Arishok now? No, that's likely forbidden, too. _

He brought himself back from what likely could have been a days-long internal discussion about what was and wasn't allowed by Qunari that would have spun off into general thoughts about the nature of laws and were they fair and who came up with them in the first place. He had always had a tendency to make leaps in how things were interconnected, but it had gotten worse since she left.

He knew it was going to be hard, harder than being a Warden, harder than ruling Ferelden. She was a part of him, that was all there was to it, and with her gone, that part of him was missing. It hurt, too, like a real wound, as if someone or something had grabbed hold of his heart and started squeezing, making it harder, sometimes impossible, to breathe. 

Why had he gone along with her crazy plan, anyway? Why didn't he at least throw on his armor, too, and go with her? Oh, yes. Because he didn't have a choice. She didn't give him one, and neither did the crown that he reluctantly wore. And he had already risked his life when he had gone to find Marric. She had let him know in a very few very loud words that she was...displeased that he had decided to go on his own to track down his father.

_ That was your idea of staying safe? If you ever do anything like that again, I’ll kill you and raise your foolish corpse just to kill you a second time so that my point is truly made.  _

She had a way with threats that made him love her all the more, despite her bloodthirsty regicidal leanings.  He had pointed out that he was a king and she had just scoffed. 

_ I’m a Warden, love.  Your crown means as much to me as it does to you, except when you’re trying to win an argument.  And you won’t win this one. _

She was right, of course, as she so often was.  And it should have bothered him more that she (mostly) calmly dismissed his assertions about his safety and saw to the heart of the matter.  But it didn’t.

_ You didn’t want me to see, did you? In case he regretted you?  More fool him if he did, Alistair Theirin.  You saved this country, and all of Thedas.  If he did anything other than thank the Maker for his good fortune at your birth, he was weak-minded and you are better off never knowing him.  _

But now it was his turn to wait and to wonder. At least she hadn’t known until he told her where he had been, since she had been seeing to Amaranthine.  She didn’t know to worry.  He could do nothing but.  And so he had likely been far harsher with the...Herald, no, wait, Inquisitor now, (and how had that happened so quickly), than he should have been, but he wanted one bloody thing to go right in his life, and finding Redcliffe overrun by Tevinter cultists after he had done the rebel mages a favor…. 

He sighed, sitting on the edge of his bed, and running his hands over his face.  No, people needed to know he wouldn’t be a pushover, and he damn well wasn’t going to have Ferelden invaded by the Imperium without so much as a by your leave.  The embarrassment that could have caused…. He knew he was a laughingstock to some, Morrigan, for instance, who found him about as dull as a dead Mabari, but he wasn’t a fool.  If word had gotten out, any number of invaders could have had a field day trying their hand at invading his home.

It was a good choice, he decided, to send that apology to the Inquisition as a whole and to the Her-whatever she was.  He needed to remember to write his own letters, however. His damnable scribes had a wicked sense of humor.  Either that, or they were depressingly literal. But he simply hadn’t had enough time in the day to rewrite a missive and he figured looking like a bit of a fool couldn’t hurt anything when showing his sincerity in the gesture.   _ You see, dear? I can occasionally make politically savvy moves. Granted their at the expense of what little dignity I have, but I feel that it’s a small price to pay. _

The mattress called to him, and he didn’t bother doing more than removing his boots before stretching out over the covers.  A crinkling noise stopped him as he lay his head down on the pillow, and he reached a hand behind him to find the source.  A piece of parchment had found its way inside the case.  His eyes widened when he recognized the scrawling handwriting, and shot up, looking around carefully, though it was painfully obvious that he was alone in the chambers.

_ “A, _

_ This Breach in the sky is more than slightly worrisome. I know that I cannot stop my mission to help, because it frankly may be as important to find our answers in the coming days, but if this Herald of Andraste (and from the expression on her face when people call her such, I think she appreciates titles as much as we do) can do something to assist with this, I hope that you’ll at least consider giving her the support she needs.” _

He smiled, just a slight upturn of the mouth.  Her gentle suggestions had the weight of command behind them, and they both knew it, an ongoing joke between the two. “Like I said, she’s Inquisitor now-you’re a bit behind.  Wait. How do you know what her face looks like?”  His smile disappeared as he kept reading.

_ “Please, for my sake as well as your own, do not get directly involved. Send reinforcements, letters of encouragement, large litters of mabari puppies, but unless you come under more direct attack, these cultists and their mysterious leader will take any and every opportunity to seize control.  They’ve already announced as much by trying to take over Redcliffe. Ferelden needs its king, more now than ever.  And Orlais, despite its civil war, or shall we say family feud, always has its eyes set on the east.” _

“Sometimes, dear, you have an overwhelming need to state the obvious.”  He sighed, glancing over at the empty spot next to him on the bed.  He could hear her saying most of this to him in that lilting voice that intrigued him, spellbound him from the very moment they met. He had to check to make sure that she wasn’t actually there.  But no, as it had been for too many months already, he was alone.

_ “I wish I could have stayed long enough to see you.  I wanted to, oh Maker, I miss you, more than you can possibly imagine.” _

“No, I have a fairly good imagination.  You’re not the only one in this relationship, you know.”

_ “And stop interrupting me.” _

He looked around again, just to truly make sure that she wasn’t there beside him, being her typical sarcastic, no-nonsense self.  No, he was alone, by the Maker, and he didn’t like it at all.

_ “I will continue on my journey, hopefully finding answers to our questions about the Blight and its unfortunate side effects.  L knows to contact you if anything regarding our particular situation arises from the work the Inquisition is doing, and you can send word to me in the usual way.  Hopefully I’ll find answers sooner rather than later, however, and I’ll be able to join you again before anything else happens...or your decide that you’re bored and need to go off on another adventure.” _

“I already promised-why is it so hard to believe that I’ll keep my word?”  He narrowed his eyes at the paper, imagining that she could see his annoyance, but her next words had him clearing his throat and trying and failing valiantly to ignore the moisture that gathered in the corners of his eyes.

_ “Stay safe, and I will be in touch again when I can.  I know it’s not enough...it’s never enough. Words can’t express everything I feel.  But I know, and you know, and that will have to suffice until we see each other again.  I love you, and if an archdemon can’t tear us apart, no hole in the sky will, either. _

_ -T” _

The parchment wrinkled under the tightening of his fingers.  He wanted to cast it into the fire, to destroy the tangible reminder that she was not by his side, and he wanted to crush it to his chest, to hold that piece of her as close to his heart as he could.  In the end, he chose the flames, not because he wanted to, but he knew that keeping their correspondence secret would keep her as safe as he could make her, short of being at her side.  And if she heard  _ that _ , she would just laugh and start tallying up how many time she had pulled him to safety compared to him.  Not that it mattered; he’d happily spend his life arguing with her, if it meant she was there with him.  “Love is far more painful that you’d expect,” he said to the empty room.

He lay down again, and it was harder this time; he was more aware of his solitary state than before.  Turning to the side of the bed where she would normally lay, he reached his arm out, fingers gently brushing over the empty coverlet. And he tried to remember the feel of her curves, the warmth of her skin as he pulled her against him, placing his lips against her shoulder blade to taste her, his nose breathing in her scent of rose and magic, which always reminded him vaguely of the smell of rain when it first hit the ground.  

King Alistair Theirin didn’t cry; the crown demanded dry eyes. Warden Alistair wore the grey and held his emotions in check.  Alistair, the man who loved a woman in ways beyond description, allowed the hot tears to hit the pillow beneath his cheek as he wept for the emptiness beside and inside him. Being monarch was no challenge compared to being alone.

In the darkness, shadows concealing her from any who might be passing by, she watched as the light in his room dimmed finally, letting her know that he was at least going to attempt sleep.  The urge to sneak into his chambers was almost overwhelming, but she knew if she saw him again, heard his voice say her name, she wouldn’t have the strength to leave.  Her heart would overrule her at last, and she would stay with him until the Calling claimed them both.  And that thought alone was what drove her on, made her pull her cloak more tightly around her, concealing the grey and blue uniform that announced her title, and headed off into the world once more, searching for answers that she knew had to be out there.  She also steadfastly ignored the song that was softly crooning to her in the back of her mind.  It wasn’t her time, and it sure as the Maker wasn’t his.

**Author's Note:**

> [Eisen](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Eisen/pseuds/Eisen) is my awesome beta. Read all of the loveliness stored at their link. You will be well rewarded.


End file.
